True Etiquette/Being Positive

What a beautiful month we have to look forward to. I love this time of year and yes, I even love football. When I look around and see the beauty of fall, feel the crispness in the air, and hear the geese beginning their journey south, I’m reminded of how blessed we are to live in this great country. I love the seasons, the beauty of the earth and the goodness of people. Well, I know it sounds like I’m being all happy and joyful right now and actually, there’s a reason for this behavior. Did you know that it is polite to be positive, which means it is impolite to be negative. Well....it is!


Sometimes, I want to shout at the top of my lungs to certain people to, “Stop Complaining!!!!!” Yes, I know things are hard and difficult and uncertain right now and I’m feeling those things too, but how in the world does it help any of us to go around complaining, whining and fussing about all the gloom and doom in the world? It helps nothing. I know that there are people who suffer at a level that I cannot even relate to and never will. My heart hurts knowing others have to suffer so. However, I know that in order to help uplift each other and support each other, we have got to become more positive.


We Americans, forget too easily the blessings we enjoy. We are becoming so hard and cynical towards our elected officials, our way of life, our future. Yes, of course we’ve got problems, some very big ones, but let’s stop complaining and let’s become a part of the solution.


Ladies and gentleman are:

1. people who look for the positive in all things
2. people who see adversity and know that this is a time to triumph
3. people who refuse to give up, complain or fail
4. people who are more concerned with their neighbors’ troubles, than their own
5. people who smile regardless of their day, so that they can help others to feel safe and comforted
6. people who look at troubled times as an opportunity to show compassion
7. people who ask themselves, “What can I do to change this situation?” and then do it
8. people who ask themselves, “What can’t I change in this situation?” and then forget it
9. people who know that greatness comes from trying
10. people who know that a positive attitude can not only change your day, but the day of everyone around you


May we all strive to be more positive and more cheerful. Remember, true etiquette comes when our focus is on lifting those around us.


Happy thoughts,

Monica Irvine

a.k.a. Mary Manners

Attracting Schools

Hello Educators!

I sure hope all is well with you. I haven't been using this blog lately, but I want for all of us to take advantage of being able to discuss ideas, concerns, accomplishments, etc. with one another so that we might all benefit from the knowledge and experience that this group of women hold. Please share your thoughts.

This weeks topic: Scheduling After School Programs

There are several avenues that you can approach a school. I usually start with the principal if it's a private school, the PTO if it's a public school and then I go from there. With private schools, it's usually much easier to set up an after school manners program. I try to meet the needs of the school. I go in to meet with the principal very prepared to "wow" him/her with my knowledge of etiquette, my enthusiasm about the importance of manners to help children succeed at home and at school, and an outline that proves the simplicity of the program. It is important that the principal doesn't view hosting a manner's program as more work on his/her part. Basically, all I need is their permission to advertise to the student body and a room to teach in. The rest is up to me.

After permission is granted, I simply prepare flyers to be sent home in children's backpacks advertising the program. We have copies of these flyers on the website. I keep the space limited. I am having success in separating the sexes in these after school programs. For instance, I offer an "All Boys Manners 101" for second graders in the Fall and a "Just Ladies Etiquette 101" for second graders in the Spring. Remember, the more exclusive the camp is, the more demand there will be. Yes, it will take a season to build the reputation of the program, but after one season, the camp should be on everyone's waiting list.

With public schools, I approach the PTOs. I ask to come to a PTO meeting and be given 20 minutes to speak. During that presentation, I simply teach manner's skills. What happens is pretty cool. As parents sit there and learn things that they indeed didn't know, they soon realize that having some help in this department would be very beneficial. My goal at these meetings is to help parents see that teaching manners is just like teaching any school subject. It needs to be taught by someone who is very knowledgeable on the subject and it needs to be taught in organized, fun lessons in order to be most effective. They are so glad to hand over to an etiquette expert.

As far as what to charge, that is up to you. I usually look at the hours and charge approximately $8.50 per hour/per child, then I add the retail cost of the t-shirt, cd and placemat which is approximately $31.00. That's how I figure what I charge. I run 8 hour programs up to 15 hour programs. I either meet with the children once or twice per week. The Etiquette Factory program is designed just for these types of schedules. As you know, the program is very easily adjustable.

Have a great week and continue loving to inspire children,
Monica Irvine
President/The Etiquette Factory

Correcting with Respect

This month, I would like to discuss the etiquette skill of correcting our children. What? You didn’t know there was an etiquette skill involved in this? Well, there is. Let’s review our definition of proper etiquette for those new readers who may be joining us. Proper etiquette is defined as, “helping those around us to feel more valued and more comfortable.” With this definition in mind, it is important that we not only apply it to those outside of our families, but that we apply it with our most treasured relationships, our families. As we do so, it will help us establish more loving relationships, including the relationships we have with our children. Now before I go on, I do not wish to address the controversial topic of discipline. That is a subject I leave to the judgement, wisdom and love of parents. However, I do wish to discuss how we approach and carryout whatever discipline we choose to use.

If you remember, we have discussed before that it is not polite to correct others in front of others. This means that we never “call out” someone in public, or in front of others, because this might embarrass or belittle them. If a correction is in need, we simply wait for the opportunity when we can pull the person aside and in private, politely give the correction. This same principle applies to our children. WE NEVER WANT TO EMBARRASS OUR CHILDREN. Now hold on. Breathe.....Let’s discuss the solution to this dilemma. Do our children sometimes need correcting when we are in public? Do chickens lay eggs? Of course they do. Sometimes those little angels of ours are worse than a tic on a hound, however, we must do our best to show complete respect and honor to our children. Please, please don’t ever yell, spank, criticize, etc. your children in the presence of others, even their siblings. This means that you have to separate yourself and your child and administer the correction in private. Sometimes, due to the safety of your other children, you cannot separate yourself at the time. In that case, you will simply have to pull your child to the side and quietly acknowledge that the correction will happen at a later time.

I know I’m suggesting something that will be difficult at times. I had all boys in my home, so trust me when I say that this takes great self control and patience. I can promise you however, that as we make an effort to show respect to our children by striving to protect their dignity, our children’s love and respect for us will increase as well. As our children realize that correcting them comes from love and devotion, instead of anger and frustration, they will learn to honor our words and our actions. No, of course it doesn’t mean they will always love or enjoy being corrected, but they will know that we correct because we love them.

As we consider ways that we can show our children love and respect, I think it will help to simply consider how we would want someone to correct us. Just because they’re children, doesn’t mean that we have a license to embarrass or humiliate them, regardless of their behavior. It’s the principle of two wrongs, don’t make a right. I think this is a topic worth spending some time pondering and considering. Some day, our children will ponder our parenting when they are making decisions for their own children. I hope we leave them a legacy of trust, honor, love and encouragement as we help shape their precious lives.

Have a great month.
Monica Irvine
a.k.a. Mary Manners

Taking Advantage: A Form of Dishonesty

This is a subject that gets me a little “hot under the collar,” if you know what I mean: taking advantage of others. As I hope we understand by now, true etiquette means being considerate of others. Taking advantage of someone else is the most impolite behavior one can demonstrate. As I’ve stated before, I think it is so important that we are very detail oriented when trying to teach our children important principles. For instance, when trying to teach our children to be honest, it’s important that we use many examples, so that our children understand that dishonesty is more than not telling a lie. Taking advantage of another person, or a situation is a form of dishonesty. Let’s make sure our children understand the different “looks” of dishonesty, so that they can pride themselves in striving to be honest and polite in every way.

So often, we get upset with our children, because they do not react or behave in a certain way. We assume that if we’ve told them to be polite, that they know what’s not polite. However, I’ve learned that if we want a certain behavior, it’s helpful to make sure we have given our children the tools, the words, the understanding, so they know exactly what is expected of them and why it is to their advantage when they meet those expectations.

“Taking advantage,” a form of dishonesty, can be demonstrated in many different circumstances. I will mention a few examples. When we take advantage of someone due to their lack of knowledge, lack of intelligence, lack of understanding, or lack of means (abilities), we are in the wrong. When we take advantage of someone due to their weakened emotional state, extreme compassion or any other condition that makes them vulnerable (weak) in making a logical and sensible decision, we are in the wrong. For instance, asking our grandma, who has a very difficult time telling her grandchildren “No,” to buy us an expensive item (even though we know she does not have a lot of money), is taking advantage of her. Likewise, when someone gives us too much back in “change” after a transaction, failing to give the money back or to inform the person of their error is taking advantage of their lack of knowledge or awareness. Once again, this type of behavior is impolite and shows poor character. Yet another example occurs when we do not disclose all relevant information that someone would need to make a proper decision. An example of this would be failing to give our parents all the details of a planned “outing” with friends. This is taking advantage and is a form of dishonesty.

This can be a very informative and interesting discussion with your children. Most children think that being dishonest is telling a lie. However, as we age and mature, hopefully, we understand that dishonestly can be exhibited in many forms. Discuss with your children using many examples of different forms of dishonesty such as taking advantage of others, withholding information, being secretive, avoiding responsibilities, etc. Allow your children to discuss and understand why these behaviors are examples of dishonesty and the opposite of proper manners.

Love those children by teaching them correct principles. Have a great month.

Very best,
Monica Irvine
CEO/The Etiquette Factory

Keeping Our Mouths Clean

Hello friends. Welcome. Let’s talk trash, shall we? “Trash talk” could probably be defined in more than one way, but I think we probably would all agree that this type of behavior is not very becoming for a lady or a gentleman. Let me begin by making a confession.

Several years ago, I attended a funeral of a young 23 year old mother who had left this earth simply too soon. I didn’t actually know this young lady, but was very dear friends with her big sister. Attending this funeral was a life changing moment for me. As I sat there and listened to friend after friend, acquaintances, employers, and family members, stand and say a few remarks about this young lady, I was overwhelmed by their touching memories of her. Every single person who stood and spoke (and there were many), spoke of a young lady who they had never, ever heard speak a negative, unkind, derogatory, cynical or simply unpleasant remark about another human being. I sat there on the pew and shrunk lower and lower as each person spoke. I marveled at what strength, what courage, what love and what an example this young lady had been in her life. Those who came to know her, soon learned that this was a lady who would not tolerate inappropriate talk in her presence. Now she didn’t condemn others for doing so, she would simply respond with kindness, but with firmness, that she could not participate in conversation that placed others feelings at risk. Wow! Now, that’s a true lady.

After I left that funeral, I knew I needed to make some changes in my own life. It’s embarrassing to think sometimes of our own faults and remember the times when we were anything but a lady or a gentleman. I want to encourage all of us to rise above the world, and determine to be true examples of poise, self control and grace. What does this look like in real life? Allow me to suggest a question to ask ourselves before we speak or before we lend an ear to a conversation in question. If what is about to be said will in any way cause those we are speaking to, to think less of the person we are speaking about, then it should never be spoken. This is not easy. A true lady and a real gentleman, never speaks unkind remarks concerning others. If we hope for our children to not be caught in the snares of gossip, back-biting and ugly speaking, we must set the example. This is most definitely one lesson that above all, needs to be taught by example.

OK, so what should we do when our little ones won’t stop the “potty words?” First of all, we must not laugh or giggle when we hear our children say potty words. It is not polite to announce bodily functions. I’ve been present in one too many families that seem to believe an announcement needs to take place each time a bodily function is rapidly approaching. This is not polite in any circumstance. The only acceptable comment that is appropriate on these occasions is, “please pardon me,” and then that’s the end of it.

We must teach our children what it means to filter their conversation. We must always consider whose presence we are in, where we are and what we hope to accomplish before we speak. The dinner table is not the appropriate place to discuss subjects that cause others discomfort or embarrassment. If Dad’s boss comes over for dinner, it is not necessary or polite to inform him that we were up all night with our 2 year old, cleaning up vomit and what comes out the other end. Sometimes, parents of young children, forget that most adults really do not want to discuss these types of issues. Parents sometimes get trapped in our “parent world” and are a little too descriptive about every day occurrences. Be careful.

Lastly, may I speak a moment regarding vulgarity, obscenity, and profanity? If you are guilty of one of these etiquette violations, may I suggest you ask yourself, “What is my purpose and what do I hope to achieve by using such language?” There is no doubt that using this type of language shows a lack in judgment, a limited vocabulary, poor self control and a lack of respect and value for those in our presence, which is the opposite of proper etiquette. Our words are a direct reflection of our inner selves. May we each strive to uplift, encourage, offer love and give support to those we speak with? One day we will be described by those who knew us. I hope we will be happy with their memories.

Sincerely,
Monica Irvine
CEO/The Etiquette Factory

Social Networking Etiquette

Wow. Social networking sites are becoming more popular everyday and providing us with 24-hour communication. As with any type of new communication, it takes a little time to adjust to the new format, and it takes time for etiquette faux pas to show their ugly face in such communication. Let’s address what we have recognized so far as common etiquette mistakes that are made on social networking sites. The purpose of discussing these issues is not to condemn anyone, but merely to help protect you, your reputation and your future. Here are a few etiquette rules to consider when visiting social networking sites:


It’s impolite to have a “me, me, me” approach to life, whether in the real world or the world of social networking. If all you ever post is information regarding yourself, then maybe it’s time to take a closer look at your purpose in being on the site. Social networking sites are about relationships. Relationships are best when individuals communicate with one another, usually with the focus on the other person (if you’re polite). Consider this as you decide what to post.


Never post private or inappropriate conversation. We have to consider who our audience is before we ever post anything, especially to a “wall.” We have to assume that the whole world is going to read it, including our moms, our teachers, our future bosses, or our future spouse. Then, with that knowledge, we must decide whether we still want to post it?


Never post unflattering images of friends or anyone, for that matter, without their consent. This is a real fast way to destroy a friendship. You must ask yourself, “Would I want people posting pictures of me without my permission?” The answer for all of us is of course, no.


Never spread gossip or unkind things via the web. This is so wrong on so many levels. Never, never spread unkind remarks about someone via the web. Whether we like to admit it or not, there really are two sides to every story, so first of all, it’s really unfair to post just one side of a story. Second, as ambassadors of proper etiquette with the determination to never say or do anything that would embarrass, hurt or cause discomfort to another, we simply do not criticize, make fun of, or speak negatively about others, and we surely don’t make a public record of such. This will come back to haunt you if you participate in this type of behavior. I can assure you of this.


Never use foul language, racial slurs or other offensive language on social networking sites. Why? Because you never really know who your audience is or will be. Today, many employers are looking at social networking sites to find out more private information regarding prospective employees. These types of behaviors could literally cost you a job. Another warning is to not make reference to alcohol or drugs for the same reasons. Be careful. These postings could haunt you for years to come.


Don’t abuse your friendships. What I mean by this, is don’t send your friends too many requests to join this cause or support this group, etc. If you’re not careful, you could lose friends if the only thing you sent was information regarding yourself.


Don’t blur the lines between work time and personal time. It is not polite to try to communicate about work past normally accepted business hours, usually 9-5. Unless the company or boss that you work for has established an “anything goes” work hour day, then keep your contact with employers and fellow employees to the hours between 9 and 5.


Well, that about does it. As these sites become even more popular, I’m sure poor social networking etiquette will become more apparent. I think that if you try to avoid the above-mentioned etiquette faux pas regarding social networks, then you will be just fine. Please be careful on the web. You can’t take back what has been engraved into the book of the web.

Very best,
Monica Irvine
CEO/The Etiquette Factory

Cell Phone Etiquette

Yes, I know. I get “fussed” at, too, for being on my cell phone too much. OK, so here’s the deal. We love our cell phones. They make our lives much more convenient; however, we must be mindful of our behavior with the cell phone if we truly are going to exhibit proper etiquette. Let me give you 10 rules to help. They are:

Don’t speak too loudly. Others present do not wish to hear the details of your conversation, so speak softly when in public, or retreat to a place of privacy.
Be careful that the conversation is not inappropriate for “public ears.”
Don’t answer your phone if you are in the middle of a conversation with someone else. This is simply interrupting, which is not proper etiquette.
Do not check phone messages at the movie theater. This distracts others present.
Absolutely, do not text while driving. This could cost a life.
Do not text while you are speaking with someone else. This is the same as trying to have two conversations with two different people about two different subjects at the same time. This is rude and shows a lack of respect for both conversations.
Do not text “small talk”. It’s OK to text someone specific information, like what time a movie starts, or what time you need to be picked up. But if you want to see how someone is doing, have the courtesy to pick up the phone and call them so you can speak to them personally. It means a lot more.
Try not to have loud, annoying ring tones.
Keep cell phones turned off during live performances.
Location, location, location—there are several places where it is simply inappropriate to accept a call on your cell phone; for instance, the library, a doctor’s office, in a check-out or order line. Just consider those around you before you take your next cell phone call, and be sure it is not going to distract others or be a nuisance to those around you.


Very best,
Monica Irvine
CEO/The Etiquette Factory